Fast-tracked Marketing Bull-twang
Posted by Tom
“Fast tracked”You see it on the Seven, Nine and Ten networks.
Ladies and gentlemen, this week’s episode of House will not be artificially held back for several months it will be fast-tracked direct from the US. The new hit series Flange will not be held back to see how popular it is with US audiences first, it will be fast-tracked to our screens.
Every now and then an immensely irritating buzzword will make the rounds. Fast-tracked is one such irritation. It means nothing. It means that instead of sitting on new episodes for a few months, they only sit on them for a week or two. Basically Australian TV networks are being a little less sucky and trying to pass it off as a favour.
Let’s take NCIS as an example. This week’s episode, Agent Afloat, aired on US television on September 30th. It will air here on October 7th. That’s a delay of just seven days. How does that compare to those sad sad days before the wonderful and lovely era of fast-tracking? Well, an episode from last season, Recoil, aired locally on August 26th and in the US on 5th June. That’s a 51 day delay. I’m not saying fast-tracking is a bad thing, I’m saying it’s something that you should be doing anyway, so stop acting like you’re doing me a favour!
And another thing, it’s not like Australian networks have to tape these episode from US TV and then play them back to us the following week. All networks, US, Australian and worldwide, get these episode from various distributers, I’m thinking, weeks ahead of time. It’s just a matter of scheduling, and yet they let the marketing folks get a hold of it and now it’s fast-tracked this and fast-tracked that.
It means nothing! It’s just a load of marketing rubbish! Ahhhhhh!
——-
Post-script: It usually takes me a few months to craft these blog entries, but as a personal favour, this entry has been rapid-pathed to you, my reading public, in one single afternoon. A service that is exclusive to Blogge de Tom.
Update: Spotted last night - “Fastracked”. Notice that the last ‘t’ from ‘fast’ and the first ‘t’ from ‘tracked’ have been merged into one. My fury grows.
What I Knew and When I Knew It
Posted by Tom
Much has be said and written about the recent events that took place at the Elon Deli in NSW’s Mid-North Coast. What the media has now dubbed the “Elongate Affair” contains much that is wildly inaccurate, perversely exaggerated and appaullingly spelled. By way of providing an unbiased eye-witness account, I would like to take this opportunity to go on public record and give my version of the event.
I was seated at a table outside the Elon Deli at approximately noon on the day is question, sifting through the Sunday newspapers (the papers had been ground into a fine powder specifically for the purpose). I remember I had just begun on the Employment section when I overheard a commotion emanating from within the Deli. I thought I heard the sound of two voices arguing. On peering through the front window I discovered that my ears (unlike the previous weekend when, dressed as koalas, they swindled me out of my spare change) had not deceived me. The two voices, or more accurately, the producers of them, seemed to be having a disagreement over a small package sitting on the counter. The taller man, apparently a customer, wore a dark suit, a runcible hat and a thin moustache. The shorter man was the owner of the store and, presumably for hygiene reasons, had hung his suit, hat and moustache on a small hook next to the door.
I was disturbed to see such a scene, feeling as many men do that a delicatessen is no place for raised voices. I could see that Prudence was calling me into the shop (Prudence was the shop owner’s wife - apparently my sandwich was ready).
Standing next to the counter I was able to get a much better look at the two men. Up close the stranger’s features seemed more exaggerated. His dark suit appeared darker, his thin moustache appeared thinner. Only his runcible hat, if possible, appeared slightly less runciblier.
“You call that Polish salami?” He bellowed in a voice that was half spruiker, half Darth Vader. He poked at the package on the counter, which may or may not have contained (depending on your point of view) Polish salami.
“I called that the best darned Polish salami this side of Warsaw,” the shopkeeper retaliated in a voice that was half whiny fourteen-year-old, half Luke Skywalker (which amounts to the same thing, I suppose).
I felt that now was the time for me to step in. “Gentlemen, this is a place of fine meat, cheese and pickled vegetables, not harsh words, perhaps we could compromise. Perhaps we could call it Baltic-region salami?” Both men stared at me for what seemed like eleven seconds. I could not be sure if they objected to my attempt at diplomacy or my dreadful understanding of central European politico-geography. I was later to learn that while the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth did encorporate most of the modern day Baltic states, it was partitioned in 1795 and when the modern Baltic states achieved independent sovereignty after the first world war, they did not include Poland.
“I demand a refund.” The Darth Vader spruiker thumped the countertop with his fist, narrowly missing the package which would have almost certainly rendered the meat ineligible for a refund. As it was, its refund eligibility seemed precarious. I listened as the two men argued back and forth and discovered that since the package had been opened and a slice of the salami partially consumed, there was no way that the Luke Skywalker-esque Deli owner would be willing to offer a refund simply because the Vader-esque suited man had changed his mind. This seemed a reasonable policy to me. On the other hand, Lord Vader insisted that the meat was sub-standard and should be refunded on those grounds. It seemed to me that it came down to a question of the quality of the meat. I was just about to offer my services as a meat-judge when I noticed the small price sticker on the package. Apparently this whole arguement was over $2.60 worth of meat. Well, those who know me best will tell you that I am nothing if not generous. I dug my hand into my pocket, pulled out the correct change and placed it into the suited man’s hand, mid-gesture.
“Sir, I would like to buy your salami”. The suited man flinched and pulled his hand away, scattering coinage about the shop.
“Are you an imbecile?” He roared, and turning to the Deli owner, “You have not heard the last of this. I will see to it that your shop is pulled to the ground and that you never work in this state again.” And with that he stormed out.
The deli owner looked stunned. The Luke Skywalker comparison could not have been more complete if the suited man had told him that he was his father and sliced his hand off with a lightsaber. I took my sandwich and left, insisting that they keep my scattered coins as a tip.
These are the details from my perspective, to the best of my recollection. I was glad to see that the result of the affair was the demise of the suited man, a member of parliament and noted bully, and not the hard-working shop owner. I have since returned to the Elon Deli and sampled their polish salami. It was revolting.
The Australian Tax Office Hates Macs
Posted by Tom
Well it’s August, high time I should be getting down to doing my tax return. And thanks to the Australian Taxation Office this doesn’t need to be a daunting venture involving paper, pencils, a calculator and about nine spare tax forms. Y’see the ATO have a product called eTax. It’s a piece of software that automates much of the grueling process. You also get your refund much, much quicker. Combined with online tools, doing your tax almost becomes tolerable. All this is a service provided by the tax office for the tax-paying computer-users of Australia.Well not quite.
eTax is a stand alone program and will only run on Windows, not Macs.
Don’t worry, say the folks at the ATO, Mac users just need to fork over a bit of cash for Microsoft’s emulation software and they’re set. Emulation software runs about $150 - for that kind of money, I might as well get myself a tax agent and save the trouble. Oh, and Linux users - you have no hope.
Just to demonstrate how out of touch the ATO is, their website (here) claims that eTax has been tested on a Mac running (Microsoft’s) Virtual PC 7. The trouble with that is Virtual PC has not worked on any Mac built since August 2006. Microsoft discontinued Virtual PC for Mac when Apple switched to Intel more than two years ago. A conspiracy theorist would have a field day with the reasons behind ATO’s persistent and misleading advertising campaign for the Microsoft Corporation. Personally I’m of the belief never to attribute to conspiracy that which can be adequately explained by incompetence.
I first used eTax back in 2004, and at the time I remember thinking that they were a bit behind the times in only offering it for the PC. Fortunately, I was able to install the software on one of the University of Newcastle lab computers. Never mind, I thought, they’ll probably get it fixed for next year. But 2005 brought no such innovation. I was able to get my 2005 tax done one weekend at my parents’ house. And in 2006 and 2007, I was able to stay back at work and complete it there. Apart from distributing my financial records about the state, this is hardly “from the comfort of your own home” stuff.
According to the ATO’s website (here), last year 1.9 Million people used eTax. We know that the number of people using Macs is roughly between 2% and 8% (here), so somewhere between 40 000 and 150 000 competent tax-paying computer users with perfectly decent machines (by most usual technology standards) are being discriminated against by a myopic, out-of-touch government department.
In the ATO’s Taxpayers’ Charter (here and here) they claim that they will:
- “act impartially” [Nope, totally partial towards PC users]
- “respect and be sensitive to the diversity of the Australian community” [Nope, disrespectfully insensitive to diversity among computer users]
- “act fairly and without either perceived or actual bias” [Nope, unfair bias towards PC users]
- “not discriminate against or favour any taxpayer” [Nope, discriminate against Mac users, favour PC users]
- “act with due care and diligence” [Nope, carelessly produce a flawed piece of software]
Why shouldn’t I, as a Mac user, be entitled to the same rights as a PC user. People choose to use Apple computers for a variety of reasons, and given the degree to which computers play a role in our lives, surely using a Mac or PC computer platform could be considered a lifestyle choice. This is discrimination and should not be permitted. Do you think I’m drawing a long bow? Maybe you’re right. Okay, let’s consider it from a government/commercial conflict perspective. Suppose the ABC was only available to people who purchased a Sony TV, or the RTA (or equivalent) only permitted registration of cars made by Ford. How is the ATO doing anything different? Whatever way you look at it, it is unethical and unacceptable.
Although I can’t find any direct quote from the ATO, many commentators agree that the reason behind the ATO insisting on restricting the availability of this public service to Microsoft customers, is that the job of allowing anybody with a computer to access eTax would be too difficult for such a small minority.
Are Mac users a small minority? and would it be too hard to make the service available to Mac users? Firstly, no, and secondly, even if it were, that would be no excuse. There are between 40 000 and 150 000 potential Mac eTax users. When even the smallest building society can provide internet banking facilities to its Mac, PC and Linux members, why can’t the ATO pull this together? They are not a business that has to worry about profit, eTax is a public service that should not just cater for 92% of potential users.
Back in the 90s, most computer programs were individual applications (”stand-alone apps”) that would be individually launched and perform specific tasks. These days most applications are available as web-pages (”web apps”). Email, games, word processors, photo managers and many other types of software are available through the browser (Internet Explorer, Firefox, Safari, etc). Things like Gmail, Facebook or your Internet Banking system are accessed as web-pages. Certainly most internet specific programs are now web apps. This keeps things secure, universal and user friendly. eTax is not a web app, it is an individual program that is downloaded and launched separate from your browser. This is a fundamental flaw of eTax. It should never have been produced as a stand-alone app, and it has no future as one.
Last year, the tax commissioner had this to say about eTax development (from here): ”…we will redevelop e-tax to make it compatible with any computer system that has internet access. We will test this with a small group of users in 2008, aiming to make it available more broadly in future years - pending the success of the trials.”
Future years? Pending the success? This is a cop-out from a government department who are ignoring their responsibilities.
eTax may be modern and innovative to the suits working for the ATO, but as a piece of software it is stuffy, antiquated and fundamentally flawed. The ATO are embarrassing themselves by producing such an ugly, inefficient and old-fashioned stand-alone program, and they are arrogantly discriminating against Mac and Linux users by making it only available to Microsoft customers.
Birthday Wishes
Posted by Tom
Tomorrow I turn 26. Now don’t feel like you have to get me anything, seriously. Just having your readership is all the kind token I require, but just in case you wanted to get me something, I’ve compiled a list of a couple of things that I wouldn’t mind. Y’know, just in the off-chance that you were stuck for ideas…
- The BMW R1200R - A motorbike that is all attitude with no pretensions. Not unlike me in many ways.
- Red’s new Scarlet 3K Camera (my JVC is almost due for an upgrade)
- The Lexus LS Hybrid 08 - Because we’ve all got to do our bit for the environment
- A can of Dr Pepper (you can’t get that stuff here)
- A Bell 407 Helicopter - this would seriously cut down my commute
- A Saeco Primea Cappuccino Touch Plus - I do like a nice morning cuppa
- A Mitsubishi LaserVue laser TV - because there’s nothing that cannot be improved somehow with a laser
Well, now I’m stuck for ideas. Oh yes, I like anything with cashews in it and also anonymous donations to World Vision.
Love, peace and spaghetti,
Tom.
2008
Posted by Tom
So they tell me that 2008 is the year of the Scout. If you see a scout, tell him to take five while you start pulling your weight and help an elderly woman across the street yourself.I say good on them. After years of wearing geeky uniforms and lighting fires underwater, they get their own year. Of course, I can’t say too much about the Scout movement because I never was one. Duke of Edinburgh yes, Scouts no.Why am I troubling you then?
Well, I wonder if you have ever wondered how they come to decide these ‘years of’. Well, I was supposed to keep this to myself, but I guess I can tell you…
I helped to make them up.
This all started way back in 1978, which was the very first year of. I was watching an episode of Seseme Street - it must have been an early one because Snuffy was still Big Bird’s imaginary friend. I got to thinking, if Big Bird can have an imginary friend, why can’t I? And to that end, why does it have to be a friend. I had plenty of friends, what I was short of, as a toddler, was people I just knew well enough to say hi to. And so I decided to invent an imaginary passing acquaintance. His name was Blake and he and I used to catch the same imaginary bus (yes, the bus’s number was the square root of minus one). I can’t tell you much more about Blake because I didn’t really know him that well, he was after all, just an acquaintance (and an imaginary one at that).
Anyhow, what I didn’t know about Blake was that he actually worked for the newly formed Year of Bureau. Trouble was, they couldn’t think of anything to be commemorated for that, or any, year. Blake and his team were all brilliant guys, but certainly not ‘details’ people. Years 1978, 1979, 1980 and 1981 were to be the years of the paperclip, the calculator, the half-eaten devon sandwich and the sticky-tape dispenser, which turned out to be the first four items Blake’s assistant thought of after glancing around his desk.
Well, it’s always a delicate matter to offer one’s opinion to somebody so desperately in need of it, but I was not one to shy from the task. “Brad”, I said, (he corrected me). “Sorry, Blake, what about instead of random things in your office we commemorate important aspects of our culture. How about the elderly or libraries?”
Blake’s superviser spoke up, “That’s a fine idea, what about volunteers or seeing eye dogs?”
“That’s the spirit.” I gave her an encouraging nod.
“Telephones,” this time it was the creative director, “or dairy farms!”
“Curling irons!”
“Democracy!”
“Half-eaten devon sandwiches!”
Before long we had compiled a list of enough years of to see us through until 2015.
I was pleased with myself for having bettered the world in some small way. But at the same time there is something to be said for the serendipity that occurs when ignorance and a lack of creativity is allowed to florish. (Did you ever see the Kevin Rudd interview on Rove?) We may never have the opportunity to celebrate the year of the stapler or the year of the paperclip. Is that society’s loss? I don’t know. Anyway I have to go and sit around a campfire and play Kum-Ba-Ya on my guitar. And by campfire, Kum-Ba-Ya and guitar and mean couch, Scrabulous and MacBook.
Tootles.
TRA
Top Ten Things that are Horribly Unfashionable, but I wish weren’t because they would be so Darn Practical
Posted by Tom
- Bum bags (fanny packs)
- Crocs
- Suspenders (braces)
- Beards
- Morse code
- Bidets
- Station Wagons
- Linoleum
- Ferrets
- Margaret Fulton
But then again, i(might)Not
Posted by Tom
Sorry its been awhile but I’ve had a little something on my mind. Viz - my last entry. I suppose there’s tremendously little actual pressure on me as a “blogger” (the word hangs on my lips like a clumsy lover), but that doesn’t mean to say that I doesn’t have a sort of inherent drive to be not only interesting and sophisticated but also accurate and integral…integrityish…full of integrity - hence my dilemma. I said in my last entry that I would not worry with Apple’s fine iPod Touch but that I would ride the storm and hold out for the much coverted iPhone. Trouble is that you get these ideas, and then you need something to blog about so you tap out a few dozens words on the topic, tweaking it so that it sounds less like a whim and more like an opinion, and all of a sudden this small spark of a notion becomes something of a mission statement. Well the nub of the thing is this: I got an iPod Touch.“What!?”
(I just heard dozens of readers doing double-takes at their screens. Double-takes are hilarious - well done.) Well, yes dammit I got an iPod Touch, and I’ll tell you why…
Why I got an iPod Touch over an iPhone: Reason #1, “The Wait”
Who knows how long it will take the powers that be to get their act together and unleash the iPhone on an Australian public. Does anyone remember how long it took for the iTunes Music Store to open locally? Freakin’ ages, that’s how long. What with all the international contracts and such, Steve Jobs is hardly going to bust a nut getting the iPhone working here. An Aus-iPhone is not Apple’s top priority. We’re a tiny market with all the logistics of a big one and from a business stand point there is no reason to apply any sort of expediency.
Thank goodness we have a Telecommunications company that runs on efficiency, intelligence and a relentless drive to boost customer satisfaction, right? Yeah…not so much. What was it that the Telstra COO, Greg Winn, said about the iPhone? I believe he said that Apple really should stick to its knitting. Hmmmm, one of our brilliant business thinkers, obviously - someone who really understands the consumer mindset (someone who is probably running Windows mobile on his Palm and wouldn’t so much as consider a product made by Apple even if consumers were demanding it in record numbers). With that kind of bone-head moronicism (if that isn’t a word, then it sure as heck ought to be) I don’t think the leaders over there at Telstra are going to be falling over themselves to get the iPhone on Australian shelves anytime soon.
(Telstra is the only Australian provider with an EDGE network. Given that Apple fussed over things like visual voicemail, etc, it seems unlikely they would launch this on an inferior network, even if it did mean launching with provider like Telstra that is totally with innovation.)
Why I got an iPod Touch over an iPhone: Reason #2, “The Dosh”
To say that Telstra enjoys taking money from people is like saying that the moon enjoys its 28 day saunter about the Earth. Telstra cannot even offer innovative, attractive plans on products where there is strong competition - can you imagine (if they finally opened their eyes and saw the enormous hype around the iPhone) what it would be like if they had a monopoly on the device? Their irises would flip around into dollar-signs, much in the style of a classic Disney cartoon.
In the US, the iPhone is offered with unlimited data and reasonable voice plans starting at AU$64 per month (after paying AU$427 to buy the device) (I’m talking in AU$ here for the sake of comparison - the US folk wouldn’t actually exchange AU$427…the logistics along would make that ridiculous - I’m converting for you, AU$1 being about US$0.933). These plans may sound reasonable, but that is because the US do have reasonable unlimited data plans. How much do you think an unlimited data plan from Telstra would cost? Well, currently Telstra’s top browsing pack is AU$119 for a 3Gb (hardly unlimited, but certainly comfortable) pack, and that would be on top of an existing plan. Now, iPods and Macs tend to have about a 25% markup from the US product (allowing for the current, rather decent, exchange rate). Based on that, the iPhone would probably sell for about AU$500. So assuming that the heads of Telstra all have some sort of simultaneous stroke and decide to put the iPhone on an extremely generous $80/month plan, which would probably work out to $100/month, icluding calls, ($50 more/month than I am paying now) then over a period of 12 months, I will be paying a minimum of $700 more in a year than if I just continued with an iPod Touch and my current phone plan. And that’s a fair chunk of my annual gadget acquisition budget. For that sort of price, I could almost buy two additional iPod Touches - maybe one for each of my readers?
Why I got an iPod Touch over an iPhone: Reason #3, “The Bulk”
Okay this one’s a little petty, granted, but it’s still a consideration. Lets have a look at the specs:
- iPod Touch: 61mm wide, 110mm tall, 8mm thick and 120g heavy
- iPhone: 61mm wide, 115mm tall, 11.6mm thick and 135g heavy
As you can see the iPhone is not only taller, thicker and heavier than the Touch, but also denser at 603 cubic millimetres per gram compared to the Touch’s 447 cubic millimetres per gram.My previous iPod, the 5th generation video iPod weighed in at a respectable 104mm tall, 61mm wide, 11mm thick and 136g heavy (513 cubic mm/g), which certainly gives the iPhone a run for its money. (By the way my old, great and faithful iPod is currently up for sale on ebay.)
I’m finding that the iPod Touch is right on the upper border of being too big for the shirt pocket. The iPhone, like the 5th Gen. before it, would just about tip the scales.
In conclusion
So I bought the iPod Touch. What am I missing out on? Well, let’s see:
Mobile Internet? Yes, although I do spend about 70% of my waking hours within the range on my home wi-fi, my work wi-fi or the free wi-fi from the Gloria Jeans on Beaumont St. Plus, if I ever got desperate, I could always use the browser on my 3G Sony Ericson.
A camera? True, but again the K800i to the rescue with a slightly nicer lens. Plus, I’m not one for indiscriminate snapping - if something’s worth being photographed, it’s worth being photographed with a device that was purpose-built for the task.
The prestige? Yes, well, you’ve got me there. After 1200 words or so on how I’m really satisfied with my iPod Touch, it still sounds like a flimsy excuse and sour grapes. A critic could still hold an iPhone aloft, raise a pair of critical eyebrows and my careful arguments would have been for naught. But as the French say, meh. I’ll still use my new toy happily. I’ll smugly send emails with the postscript “Sent from my iPod”. I may even hold my iPod to my ear and pretend I’m taking a call from time to time.
Stuff consumer hype, I’ll take my little Touch of paradise.
i(might)Phone
Posted by Tom
I made a conscious decision a couple of weeks ago, and that was not to push for an iPod Touch this Christmas but rather to hold out for the official Australian release of Apple’s iPhone.“An ipod whah?” some of you are no doubt saying. Yes, ok, iPod Touch. I’m sure you’ve heard of the iPhone, well the Touch is the iPhone without the phone bit. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s been a lot of Touch-bashing lately and I certainly want to distance myself from that crowd. There’s nothing wrong with the Touch. Nice piece of technology there. Dashed good iPod, great video player, and a build in web-browser running off a wi-fi connection. But if I’m going to upgrade the contents of my pockets, I want to eliminate all possible pieces of equipment and if there’s no built-in phone, then I’m going to have to lug around some brick of a handset for the next two years.
Put an iPhone in my jeans and I can give my 5G ipod the flick along with my Sony Ericsson k750i. But let’s not stop there, with built-in calendar I can do away with my pocket diary. With extra functionality I can leave my stopwatch at home. With built-in games, I won’t have to worry about shoving a pack of cards and a travel connect-4 set into my duds each morning. The built-in movie player means I won’t have to carry the TV and DVD player everywhere. The built-in web browser means I can leave to old Macbook at home. The iPhone also displays the time, so I won’t even need a watch. And of course the built-in camera means that I won’t have to tuck my Fujifilm S6000 under my arm as I leave each morning. And best of all, having my very own iPhone will fill me with such satisfaction for reaching the pinnacle of geekish coolness that I can relax and take time to appreciate about the pleasanter things in life.
Or at least that’s what my overly-Westernised consumerist imagination tells me. I think sometimes that I walk a fine line between being on the cutting edge of technology for the advancement our civilisation, and just craving the next generation of gadgetry because this season’s sleek matte finish feels so much nicer than last season’s brushed titanium.
I do like driving with a bluetooth headset on, and reading emails from the comfort of my balcony. On the other hand, I also like the beach and riding my bicycle. Oh, would I be just as happy with my old Nokia 8210 and a tape deck as I would be with an iPhone? I don’t know. Get me one and I’ll tell you.
Merry Christmas all.
TRA
The sound of one voice talking
Posted by Tom
It has oft been said that talking to oneself is the first sign of madness. But simply saying something oft, does not make it true. What about saying something oft, to oneself? Quite the conundrum. But in all seriousness, and in my professional opinion, there is nothing wrong or shameful in talking to yourself.The modern myth that links this act to mental illness is nothing short of a smear campaign, probably spread but the unions. I will therefore stake my reputation and boldly proclaim here and now, that I am a person who talks to himself. Usually it’s a monologue, like practicing for some upcoming speech or conversation. Sometimes it’s a dialogue, where I adopt two separate voices. The first voice is usually a “straight-man” voice: deep and earnest, the voice of reason. The second being the “funny-man” voice, a little wacky and ever forthcoming with the witty repartee - his name is invariably Douglas. In most cases reciting the likes of the ‘Wink wink nudge nudge’ sketch.
On the rare occasion I have been known to do a whole crowd scene - my ‘Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves’ production was a theatrical triumph. Each individual thief had his own back-story and personalised voice that reflected his region of birth. The whole project took weeks to prepare and could only be performed with the aid of forty playback devices (the voice of Ali Baba was performed in real-time). It seems like a lot of effort to go to but if you have a long commute, I’m sure you’ll understand.
Isn’t it ironic, that those who are so very vocal while on their own, feel compelled to remain silent on the topic in the company of others. Basically what I’m saying is that you don’t have to be mad to talk to yourself. ( - But it sure helps, as Douglas would say).
TRA
Podcasts and what to do with them
Posted by Tom
Who listens to commercial radio anymore? Let me tell you: people who don’t know about Podcasts.Why should you flick around the old FM dial trying to find something palatable, something that ‘the man’ thinks you should be hearing, when all the time the Internets have a smorgasbord of entertainment ready for enjoyment. You can be your very own station manager, lining up your own list of programmes based on whatever you want to listen to. What interests you? Diving? Cooking? Developing for Linux? Tax Fraud? Saving the Whales? Hunting Whales? Etymology? Earning money from shares? Sharing money from urns? Whatever the subject, no matter how obscure, there’s a podcast about it.
Let’s say you were a keen taxidermist specialising in Australian native fauna, you’d probably be interested in the Skin-a-Marsupial Podcast. Suppose you were an Anglican Curate with a penchant for optics and lasers, well you’d love the Episcopalian Photonics Half-hour. Suppose you were a moron with half the intelligence of a demented in-bred toad, you’d be happy to know that the Daily Telegraph has a podcast.
Okay, now suppose that you were a normal sort of person, interested in music and popular culture, and were just trying to find something friendly, amusing and laid-back, something along the line of a group of lads having a chat. Guess what? There is a podcast for you. It is called Hello Mother Leopard and you can listen now at hellomotherleopard.com.
And now, the punchline:
Well, I’d better be going, Hamish and Andy starts at 5, and my drive home would be dull without them.
TRA.
Chippies
Posted by Tom
So anyways, who actually likes Salt and Vinegar chips? Let me tell you: nobody. They’re rubbish. There was one guy who thought he liked them, but it turned out he didn’t. Besides, he was an idiot who didn’t know what he was talking about. These days he works at Channel Ten advocating for another season of Idol every year.Despite this, the boneheads of Smiths chips, et al., think that in order to have a legitimate line-up of chip-based products, you have to include S&V. Dear me…how misguided and foolish they are. “But,” they would no doubt say, if they thought that I was anything but a raving looney with a vendetta against the S&Vs, “The consumer demands it.” Sound logic, except for one thing. The consumer is essentially a moronic sheep-like creature who strolls down the aisles of Woolworths, IGA or Coles jamming random things into his or her trolley based on whether or not there was an ad for them last night during Home and Away. He sees the maroon packet with shiney post-modern logo and tosses the product into his shopping without so much as a passing thought for the consequences.
Please, please, please, PL33ZE! For the love of all things sacred and edible in this world, do what you can NOW to break the cycle. Stop the mindless insult on our senses. Whoever you are, stop buying, making, selling, transporting, looking at or thinking about salt and vinegar chips. And while we’re at it, let’s see what we can do about bringing back Dr Pepper.
TRA
Cheques and Faxes
Posted by Tom
Yesterday I read about an alarm system that, when triggered would:- Call the police
- Take a photo of the intruder and email it to you
- Place a video call from your security camera to your 3G mobile phone so you could return home immediately to stop the intruder
- Turn on the coffee machine so that when you got home the intruder, the police and yourself could all sit down an have a nice cuppa before getting down to business
I mention this example of innovation in modern technology to remind everybody that we are in 2007 and things have never been so futuristic and to that end could people please stop sending faxes and cheques.
Faxes and cheques were no doubt brilliant in their day, but guys, that day has passed and so should these dinosaurs of our society. I am about to fax off an application form, do you think I should ring them beforehand and ask them if they would prefer a telegram? or a wax sealed scroll strapped to the leg of a messenger boy?
And another thing, I saw on the news last year that a pharmacy was using a robot pharmacist to dispense medications. That was 12 months ago and yet this morning I strolled into an Amcal only to find a perfectly ordinary human behind the counter. I was so outraged that I put in a complaint to the head pharmacist there. She must have been having a bad morning too because she began to vibrate and laser beams started shooting out of her glowing eyeballs. Her mechanical arms flapped around knocking medications left and right and before long the shop was reduced to rubble. She eventually found me cowering behind a display of tanning lotions, no-doubt her 3D infra-red scanner had given away my location.
I offered to pay for the damage but she said that they did not accept cheques.
“Ironic” I said. This was obviously too much for her English Semantics Modulator and she melted into a puddle of nano-circuits. Women!
My point is this. We can’t go on living like the Flintstones, but at the same time, we’re not ready to live like the Jetsons, not until I get my flying car anyway.
Take care.
TRA
Diversions
Posted by Tom
We’re still in pre-launch padding. That’s the trouble with counting down to something, you’re stuck with a finite number of numbers, and here we are jammed between minus one and zero, never a pleasant place to be. Suppose I had the urge to share something with you good folk. Would I be bound by my commitment to writing some auspicious “launch” entry to such an extent that I could not share some trivial little tit-bit in the meantime? Of course not, don’t be moronic.Anna and I went on a bike ride. Two bike rides actually. About a week apart, on pretty much the same route. The difference? The first trip, my brake was stuck on, so I was totally exhausted by about half way through the trip. This time, thanks to my trusty screwdriver and an informative article I found on the internets on adjusting linear-pull braking systems, my brakes were working perfectly. And I enjoyed the ride immensely.
Turns out there’s a nice bike path that follows Throsby creek from Islington right around to Honeysuckle. From there, it’s a breeze to get out to Nobbys. I didn’t take my camera sadly, so you’ll have to take my word for it. Next time.
TRA
Minus One
Posted by Tom
Well, here we are. Just one more entry until the launch.When I first heard that my topic for today was “Minus One”, I knew that there was only one possible interpretation worth considering - imaginary numbers.
My mind wound back like an old VHS machine. The year was 2001 (at the time) and I found myself in a stale smelly lecture theatre listening to a stale smelly academic. Both the theatre and the lecturer were old enough to be unaesthetic but not old enough to be charming. He was babbling on about some facet or other of the Cartesian plane (some early form of aviation, I think) when the two words slipped past his lips - “imaginary numbers”.
The mind boggles, well at least my mind did, at the possibilities for imaginary numbers. A few likely candidates presented themselves in my brain:
- Neight: The smallest number of bananas on a hand that will make you look twice to see if that really is just one hand or if it is two hands on top of each other.
- Vero: The number of Saturday newspapers left at the newsagent at 4pm that still have the free CD of “Mozart’s Least Known Polkas” jammed inside the front cover.
- Bleviteen: The number of times per minute you can clear your throat in a library before the man reading a textbook at the next table shoots you a stern glance.
- Sive: The number of times you say “Hello, hello…” after answering a phone before you can be sure that there is nobody there.
- Blirty-sive: The number of times per minute you can clear your throat in a library before the man reading a textbook at the next table throws the textbook at your head.
But sadly, brilliant though these suggestions are, the real ‘imaginary numbers’ caper is slightly less interesting. Nevertheless, I will try to explain it in such a way that my reading demographic will stay to the end. It will come in handy if ever you are a contestant on Temptation or want to impress slightly less geeky people at parties. For those who read this through, I will include an original limerick at the end. Please show your honesty and only read the limerick if you ploughed through the next paragraph.
Not this one, the next one. This is just filler.
As you are no doubt aware, whenever you square a number (times it by itself), the result will always be positive. For example, four squared (or four times four) is sixteen; and minus two squared (or minus two times minus two) is four. A ’square root’, you will remember, is the opposite of squaring. So the square root of sixteen means, what two numbers multiplied together gave us sixteen? The answer being four. Some clever chappy then decided to make the rule that since all squares are positive, it is impossible to find the square-root of a negative number. That is, you can’t, for example, find the square-root of minus sixteen, because like I said before all squares are positive (four squared and minus four squared both give (positive) sixteen).
And so it remained till one day this bloke thought that it would be a nice idea if you could find the square-root of a negative number. Well, some other blokes didn’t agree and said that it was stupid. The first guy said it wasn’t stupid, they were stupid. To try and build their case a little, the other blokes put something to the first bloke: if you found the square-root of a negative number, what would the answer be? certainly not a real number. To this the first guy agreed, “Sure, okay” he said “not a real number.” “Ohhhhh” said the others “so… some sort of magical mysterious imaginary number”. At this point the first guy became sick of this constant criticism of what had initially sounded like a decent scheme and he was beginning to wish he hadn’t invited everyone back to his house for a pasta-bake and a play of his Wii. “Yes” he said “the square-root of a negative number is an imaginary number”. And thus imaginary numbers were born. (History doesn’t record whether or not he added “…you boneheads, and wash your hands before you play Wario Moves, you’re getting pasta sauce all over my Wii-motes.”
Now we get to the nub. Yer basic imaginary number is “i“. And i is the square-root of minus one. That is, the square-root of minus-one is i. (And, therefore, i squared equals minus one.) From there it’s easy to make an imaginary number out of the square-root of any negative number. You just need to remember your root laws (I don’t, I had to look them up). Basically, if we wanted to find the square root of minus forty-nine, we would follow this process:
- The square-root of minus forty-nine equals:
- The square root of minus one, multiplied by, the square-root of (positive) forty-nine.
- The square-root of minus one equals i, and the square root of (positive) forty-nine equals seven.
- So the square-root of minus forty-nine equals seven time i, or “7i“.
This is about all the average Joe-on-the-street needs to know about imaginary numbers, perhaps even slightly more.
I propose to promote the use of imaginary numbers in general society by applying to Australia Post to have my house number changed to an imaginary number. Any other suggestions?
And here is the limerick I promised you:
There once was a chap called Bombelli
Who buried himself in red jelly.
He drew up a chart
of the lives of Descartes,
and also Evangelista Torricelli.
“Descartes” is correctly pronounced “day-CART”. Doing so will futher boost your success at geek parties and on Temptation.
TRA
Minus Two
Posted by Tom
The premise: My blog will go live shortly, and when it does people will come in their throngs (US= “flip-flops”) to this humble little corner of the interwebs and they shall read the newest entry, welcoming them to the next in a long line of my web-presences, they will smile awkwardly at my ignorant reference to the internet being like a filing cabinet, they will furrow their brows at my creative spelling of the word “ingeneous” and they will chuckle lightly on reading my joke about the elevator. But then what? Well, I suppose the very enthusiastic will leave some witty comment. And then? Then? Nothing. They will be all warmed up, ready for another amusing little snippet, but they will have nothing more to read.
Now, I have been accused in the past of being lazy and procrastinatory. I’m not saying this in an accusatory manner. If you’ve ever said to someone else, “Hey, there goes Tom, probably procrastinating, as is his wont” then I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. It’s fair comment. There have been times when my preparation style could be called “last-minute”. But when the situation calls for it, I can be just as organised as the next man (or woman). You should have seen the list I made for the time I went to Port Macquarie in 2000. Four words: Com pre hen sive.
So I said to myself, Tom, the time has come to call on your powers of organisation. It would be wrong, I told myself, to run into this at top speed without some consideration. SoI sat down and mapped out a plan for the gradual unleashing of this site. About fifteen mintues into it I got bored and went and played Fisherman Sam for the rest of the afternoon, but not before coming up with the idea of padding out the back catalogue a bit by writing two pre-launch entries. This is the first. I hope you enjoyed it.
TRA.